Swimsuit Struggles Are REAL!

Well, it’s mid-April already, which means that the racks of my favorite retail stores are starting to be filled with my arch nemesis – the swim suits. My family has a long tradition of vacationing along the Gulf of Mexico, so my feud with swim suits has been a lifetime one. When I was 15 or 16, I was so scrawny that bathing suit shopping made me angry because the cute ones were for girls with boobs. Now that I’m adult and my body is no longer of toothpick proportions, swim suit shopping has created new and more offensive challenges. Here are a few of the struggles that I’ve endured since trying to find a swim suit for our Tybee vacation this summer…

1.       Why the heck is everything neon? No one looks good in radioactive lime green. Also, this girl in the dressing room trying this thing on is obviously not old enough to remember the first time that neon reared its ugly head. Maybe that’s why she thinks hot orange and hot pink look cute together…? Maybe she’ll also crimp her hair while she wears it. Seems only appropriate.

2.       WHY ARE THERE SO MANY STRINGS?! What ties to what? I just want to be able to pull these things on like underwear, not try to figure out how it all fits together first. I AM NOT AN ENGINEER! I’m not prepared for this level of complicated design.

3.       <Picks up Triangle bikini> This would only cover my nipple. The side boob would just be so ridiculous.

4.       If I buy a swimsuit with an underwire, is it going to look like I’m just wearing a bra? I kind of think it looks like a bra. I’m going to the beach with my parents, I can’t wear something that looks like actual underwear. 

5.       Oooooh! I like this one. It’s cute, it’s nautical, it covers the necessary bits… looking for a small bottom… medium, medium, large, extra large. <insert sting of expletives>

6.       This one would be alright... they have my size in the bottoms… <looking through rack of tops> small, small, large, large, extra large. Son of a…!!!!!

7.      I finally find a swimsuit to try on. Go change in the dressing room and this… Dear God… I look like an idiot. I can’t wear this. Also, I have got to go get a spray tan. I probably should’ve done that before trying these things on. Ugh… get this off of me.

8.       Leaves store with low self-esteem and anger issues.

So I restart the search online. And it went a little something like this…

1.       DOES ANYONE MAKE SWIM SUITS FOR PEOPLE OVER THE AGE OF 21?!?!?!? I can’t wear this crap! I don’t want skulls on my nipples or fringe everywhere. And what is this high waisted trend? It’ll make my butt look even bigger than it already is.

2.       Let’s check the J.Crew site. It’s the one store that never fails me. So wait… the top of the suit is $60 and the bottoms are also $60?! I’m only going to wear this thing for a week. J.Crew, what is wrong with you? There’s not even enough fabric to warrant this to cost $120.

3.       Sale on sale. EXCELLENT! Maybe I can find a suit for cheap in the sale stuff. Everything is all mixed up, how do you know which top goes with which bottoms? Okay, saw the sailboat bottoms, where’s the top? Okay, no top to those. Next…

4.       I’m just going to start putting the things I can find in my size into my cart. That’ll help me find matching pieces. <opens cart> Is there seriously ONLY one suit that has both the top and bottom in my sizes?! I don’t even wear the same size top and bottom, how is this possible?!

5.       Swim suit ordered! Well that took WAY too long.

Eventually my swimsuit comes in and it has ZERO padding. If I get cold on the beach (not that being cold happens very frequently on the beach), I'm going to be able to cut through glass with my… well… you know.So I ship that one back, head to Victoria's Secret and have another repeat of my experience shopping a few days before. Eventually I just got so mad that I decided to go buy a cheap bathing suit from Old Navy that would just suffice for the week. It just has to cover the important bits after all, and I can wear a cover up most of the time anyway. 

To my shock and amazement, the Old Navy swimsuits were actually pretty adorable and had padding for those of us who are busty (you gotta have something to keep them where you want them). I tried on 2 swimsuits while i was there and both fit very well and were also really flattering. I eventually decided on the polka dot Marilyn Monroe style suit and was even more pleased with myself when my total for BOTH the top and bottom was $30. So ladies, if you're struggling to find the perfect suit while still maintaining a budget, you might take a look at Old Navy. 

Besides my suit, these are a couple of other Old Navy suits that caught my eye. Super cute, right?!

Happy suit hunting, y'all!