Welcome to the South! If you’ve never been here before, perhaps you’ll need a little bit of an introduction. And yes, like Reese Witherspoon says in Sweet Home Alabama, you do probably need a passport to come down here. In fact, maybe we should suggest that to our State Representatives so we can better manage the Yankee-to-Southerner ratio… Regardless, this place is full of hospitality. So sit back and enjoy the sights, sounds, smells and sugar-filled deserts of “God’s Country.”
Stepping onto Southern Soil is stepping into a place where tradition has always been the norm - chicken is fried at someone’s house every Sunday, the Sweet Tea recipe never changes, and we’ll always have more churches than we do people. This place is our home, so please don’t scoff, stare or judge our lifestyle. If you do, we’ll have to resort to chasing you off of our property with a shotgun. And I don’t know if anyone’s ever actually proven it, but I have it on good authority that one time a Southerner actually chased a Yankee clear over the Mason Dixon line… from Florida. Don’t make us angry - it can get real ugly, and we don’t like to take things there. It’s not in our nature.
If you’re here to eat, well, you’ve come to the right place. Might I suggest you try everything fried, pickled, jammed, jellied, baked, sugared, spiced and dressed. I promise you won’t regret it. Although, you may leave with a nasty case of heartburn… See, we Southerners have become accustomed to our horrible eating habits. We have literally been eating grease and unconscionable amounts of sugar since we were in the womb. In fact, some people say that if a Southerner is deprived of greasy foods for too long then they shrivel up and die. Now, I don’t know if that’s ever actually happened, but I did hear that this one guy in Georgia tried it once and he landed himself in the hospital. Something about the fact that there was nothing to keep his insides good and greased. Whether you believe that story or not, just know you probably aren’t going to find a whole lot of good home-cooked “healthy” meals down here. So just leave your calorie counting and Weight Watchers points at home. You won’t need them here.
Which brings me to my next point: while you are here, you must learn to gossip well. You may think that gossiping is just gossiping, but you are SO wrong. There is an art form to gossiping in the South, and if you don’t do it correctly then you may doom yourself to become a social pariah. A good Southerner would never intentionally hurt someone’s feelings. So when we gossip, we spin it so it always sounds polite and proper… and we never say it to your face. We are NEVER rude, crude or socially unacceptable.
So let’s pretend you see a girl with mom jeans on. A horrible offense, I know. But you can’t just start blurting out obscene things about this woman. You don’t know her. Shoot, she could be a pastor’s wife, so it’s important to tread lightly. Here’s how a Southerner would address this situation: you turn slightly to your friend/colleague/husband/
The other super duper important thing of all important things to remember while in the South, DO NOT ORDER UNSWEET TEA!! You will not only receive a dirty look from your waiter/waitress, but you’ll stick out like a sore thumb. Southerners can spot a Yankee from a mile away, so you probably shouldn’t draw too much attention to yourself. That’s not to say that being a Yankee is a bad thing, but you’re in the South now and should try to acclimate as best you can. Your accents annoy us, and a little respect for our national beverage will go a long way.
So now that you are adequately prepped for your time here, I hope you enjoy it! Just remember – guests, like fish, begin to smell after 3 days.
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