The Toilet Saga: Eclipse

I woke up this morning thinking it was going to be an ordinary boring day. I got in my car and was on my way to work when … DUH DUH DUH (that’s supposed to be the suspenseful movie music before something really crazy happens or the killer gets revealed) my toilet was gone. AGAIN. For those of you who haven’t been reading my blog for very long, you can read the first part of the toilet saga here.

See, normally when I drive up over this little hill in the road, I can see the side of the toilet sticking up just slightly. I always check to see if it’s still peeking up at me every morning and every evening on my way to and from work. This morning though, it was gone again. I started to get really panicky, because I knew that I would never see it’s beautiful porcelain sheen ever again. This had to mean that the city FINALLY came to take my toilet away. I started to worry about it. I hoped they had just decided to take it to a place where it could live happily with other roadside toilets and appliances, but I knew that my toilet was probably being crushed into a thousand pieces or thrown into some dump somewhere. My only hope was that it was being taken to a dump with a view. I mean, I am not lucky enough for someone to take and return my toilet twice. It’s like an eclipse or Halley’s comet; one of those things that only happens every so many years. That doesn’t happen twice in one lifetime. It’s like too much awesomeness for one soul to bare. So this time, I knew it had to be gone for good.

Then, all of sudden, I started to see something white off in the distance. Only, it was in the median in the middle of the road. HOT SHIITAKE MUSHROOMS!!! Could it be?! Could that be my beloved toilet’s striking white glare?!

As I got closer, I realized that I was staring at my toilet proudly positioned at the end of a median in the road. “MY TOILET!” I screamed. I was driving up on the backside of it, so the first chance I got, I whipped a U-ey in the road (screeching tires, cutting other cars off, the whole thing) and drove back up as fast as I could to get a better look. It sat there, like a monument to all things weird and white trash. It was beautiful and pristine.

Glorious.

As I sat staring in awe and trying to get a good picture, I got to thinking: who is this mystery toilet mover? What possessed them to move the toilet to that median? I mean, besides the obvious delight it will bring to the hundreds of overworked people who drive down this road every day. Do they read my blog? Were they the ones who moved it before? If they were, where did it disappear to for all that time? And how can I ever thank them for the joy they have brought to my life?

Have you ever seen anything like it? Bet not.

If I ever figure out who you are, toilet artist, I will buy you a meal. But please don’t be offended if I refuse to shake your hand. Can y’all imagine the germs on that thing?! Whoever they are, I sure hope they wore gloves.

It’s the South, Y’all!